In some ways it would be easier if I did not recognize that my thoughts
create my reality. Because then I could continue to live from a victim
mentality, from a blame-someone-else mentality, and not have to own up
to the world that I have created for myself. I could say, "these are the
horrible circumstances that have been laid upon my head, and woe to me,
there is nothing I can do about them."
But the more I awaken, the more I am aware that I do have to own my
perceptions and my attitudes. If I view someone as being "out to get
me," then that is exactly what I will experience. I'm not perfect, and
sometimes a person's behavior can feel so hurtful that it's easy for me
to go back to a place of negatively labeling that person as threatening, mean,
and intentionally hurtful.
All that is really being threatened is my ego, and I am the only one
who is allowing the ego to be threatened by making EGO so huge,
allowing it to be such a big target. I personally am finding it very
hard to let go of ego. And it is a difficult process. It is a healing
process, and healing doesn't always feel great, but it's still healing,
and I am never not thankful for it.
Some days I feel like a spiritual basket case. I want so much to be
at peace, to be centered, and at times I can achieve days and even weeks
of it, but in time I always come back around to stress and doubt and
seeming crisis. I think this happens because when I am feeling peaceful,
even then, I have not reached true peacefulness. I certainly have not
reached true healing. Life makes me confront myself honestly: "look
here, you need to fix this still, and until you truly fix it it will
keep you from your peacefulness."
